The concept of age to me was stop at 19.
A journey to be present.
Have you ever felt a time where you stopped to count your age? You are 23 years old but you always feel that you are still 19 years old? That’s how I felt two years ago. I stopped counting. I refuse to get older and I feel all my worlds stop when I’m 19. Every time someone asked ‘how old are you?’ I must have answered with the sentence ‘Oh I forgot, but I was born in 1998.’ And it lasted for 3.5 years as if it had been embedded in me that I really forgot that I had grown older every year.
Then one day I met Kak May. Because it’s been almost a year since we’ve seen each other, our conversation ends with age questions. I answered with the same sentence. Kak May said again “Why do you refuse to count? It is a blessing of life. Not everyone can survive to your current age. A lot of people give up out there, but you don’t. You still choose to live?” She was silent for a moment while looking at me. “What made you stop to count your age?” she contiued.
At that moment I just smiled, shrugged, and said “I don’t know why either.”
Then I went home, went back to my room alone and thought about Kak May’s said. The first thing that came to my mind at the time; What really happened to my life before and after 19 years?
I reflect, diving into the memories of the past. Very deep into the trough. My goal is just to find the cause of the situation at that time. I look back on myself from childhood to high school. I found. I found myself unable to swim to the surface after graduating from high school. I drowned as if my world had stopped and could not be saved again. Many events made me have to fight more and catch up with my friends. Life after high school at that time was the days when my life was filled with worries, anxiety, and failures that finally made me stressed and difficult to accept the reality that existed. I keep blaming everything, including blaming myself. I was getting not confident and shut the world out of my life, and then stuck in a fake memory. I deceived myself that my life was still the same as when I was in high school. Young girls with big dreams. Good memories with good friends. Everyhing is okay at that moment.
Then I went back to diving moving towards the surface. I passed the 20, 21, 22, to the middle of 23. I caught a glimpse of the series of events during that 3.5 years. My life does feel bland, but without me realizing it, I also grew little by little. I don’t stop, I process. It turns out that I managed to realize my dreams when I was a child and some of my dreams when I was in high school. I seemed to feel guilty to myself for not realizing all that. I realized that at that time I only focused on failure until I forgot about every step I took little by little it turned out to reach the goal. I forget to appreciate.
The process of diving into the memories of the past made me learn that it is very important to be present, to remember the past without being shackled to it, and not worrying about the day to come excessively. By living for now, I can more accept and digest what I’m actually doing right now. I can appreciate myself more, which is actually reviving the spirit to realize other hopes. I still want to continue to live with taste, I don’t want to be bland anymore. I want to appreciate myself more in the process of finding myself and the purpose of my life. I feel like I’m on the right path.
I was trap on 19 years old while I was 23 years old. Now, I proudly present to you that I am 25 years old and want to still counting as a blessing.
So, for those of you who stop counting age, try to pull yourself back to see what makes you feel like that? What happened in your life at that time? Maybe the cause is that we can’t to move on from that fun or sad time.
A warm hug as big as the sun,
XOXO
